Captain’s Log: A moment to reflect

Sometimes when things seem to be going smoothly, it is a good time to reflect on things. To reflect on the things that you have over come. The things that you are still struggling through. With your reflection comes the good and the bad. You realize that you have been through some dark days and came out stronger then ever. And sometimes you don’t really see how far you have come until you look back to where you were in the beginning.

Even though it has been a relatively short time since my first entry that you all have read, that wasn’t even really day 1 for me. My actual journey started months before. Here is a little back story for you all that you may or may not have been wanting. You may have been noticing me writing about my abyss that I crawled out of, or the pit of despair that I was in since graduation. That pit was one of self make. I created that after I got some harsh and blunt criticism. That kind of makes me sound like a brat and say my shiz don’t stink, but I have always been the opposite of that, I’ve always been hyper-critical of myself. And I value helpful critics and advice about my work, because how can you get any better if you don’t know what you are doing is wrong? And hearing all the self criticism out loud from someone I looked up to and valued their option of my work really hit home. It just validated every negative thought in my head. I thought I could push through it and just see the silver lining in the words. But that was not true.

From December 2015 to around January 2018, I was stuck in and endless abyss. I tried multiple ways to break the walls. I researched tips and tricks to help break the darkness that surrounded me. Little things like getting a new pencil, or a drawing prompt book, or art books, etc. Just little things that I thought would cause a domino effect within me. And as time went on I started to doubt that I would ever draw again. It got to a point where I was actually getting anxiety just thinking about drawing. I was so scared. I was scared of failure. I was scared that people wouldn’t like my work. I was scared that I was never going to improve. But time kept moving and no magical fix was happening for me.

In the beginning of January 2018 something just clicked in me. I don’t recall what really set things in motion. It seems to be like a combination of my friends pushing me to be creative again, even if it sucks, and my soul just having enough of this self induced Hell. So I started out very small. Just picking up a pencil and start doodling. Let me tell you that wasn’t as easy as it sounds. For the longest time my mind has convinced my body that drawing was something to fear and I should react accordingly. If you have never experienced anxiety on a physical level, let me help you understand a bit. Think of something that is extremely scary. For example, if you are afraid of heights, think about standing on the ledge of a skyscraper and looking down. Or think about having a gun shoved in your face during a mugging. Seems a bit extreme, right? However, your brain can make you think that certain things are on that same level. My brain convinced my body that drawing was death. I would lock up, thoughts raced through my head, all my muscles would constrict, my breathing would get heavy and sallow. A few times I broke down sobbing. It was difficult. It still is sometimes, but it is getting better every day.

Come February, I picked up a daily planner. First thing that I blocked out was to get my website up and running. It may have taken me until April to actually post my first entry, but in the grand scheme of things that is a success. If you asked me last year when I would have finished my website, I would have laugh at you and said “as soon as I can” and changed the subject.

Now I am working on making weekly posts. I am getting there. I just have to remember that not all of my posts have to have some sort of completed piece to go with it. Hahahah… I am such a noob sometimes. Even with the struggles, I am hella proud that I have come so far. And to anyone that is reading is going through the same thing and is at a loss, just remember, as cliche it sounds, it does get better. I am proof of that.

All in all, you now know more about me than you probably ever wanted to know. Well, too bad for you! HAHAHAHAHA… I’m just pulling your leg. I’ve been wanted to explain a few things for a while and just didn’t know how. And today all the words seem to just tumble out. And if you have any questions for me please ask.

In other news, I completed my friend’s emote for her Twitch account! I still have to ask her if I can post it on here. It shouldn’t be a problem, but you know how things work. Always expect the unexpected. I also was researching some art community forums. I have read about this app call Art Amino. Seems pretty legit. So look for my tag in a coming post. Also, I am planning on posting more frequently on Tumblr. I just need to work on scheduling my time a little bit better. The struggle. But I am getting better with my Instagram! So proud! Twitter is still my troll under the bridge. I’ll solve your riddles eventually! Please follow me on everything that I have up so far. 🙂

Last words from your Captain. Even in the beginning of you journey, it is always a good thing to take some time and reflect on how far you have truly come. Always be proud of where you are now vs where you started from. There is always going to be ups and downs in your journey. It is how you handle each event that makes up who you are. You may get knocked down. It might seem like you will never be able to pick yourself up. Just give yourself some time. Only you can truly make you do anything. Sometimes your greatest enemy is the person staring at you in the mirror. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help. As your Captain, I’ll always have your back. Hopefully, you will have mine too. Now raise your head sailor, we have a world to explore and conquer. Let us sail to the next great adventure!

 

Your Captain,

Suzanna