Author: Suzanna

Entry 18: There is No Such Thing as a Normal Mind

Hello Crew!

How is everyone doing? I know some of you are in this heat wave that I am in, and I hate it. I just want a storm to pass through to break it! I truly feel bad for anyone that doesn’t have A/C. Hopefully the weather breaks soon. I know more and more people are falling in line to get on with life as it was before COVID-19, but please know it hasn’t actually disappeared. I know masks are just the worst and are pointless in the long run, but wear it for the placebo effect. It create a sense of “doing your part to fight the enemy”. Some times you just need a kiss to make it better. Don’t think that things are going to go back to “normal” any time soon or probably never. Find a way to make peace with it. Life is like a river, sometimes when bad weather hits flooding starts and the river erodes the banks and when the worst is over the river has changed. Don’t be the stubborn banks and think things will always be the same after the storm. Be like the water in the river and just go with the flow. For some reason I am liking metaphors recently. Some time I get way too philosophical. But you chose me as your Captain, so I’m sorry, not sorry.

A Non-Art Related Topic

I have been recently studying how other artists and creatives gather so many people to their work. There are several ways that they can achieve their success and I have come up with a list:

  • Have your art on many different platforms that fit your goals.
  • Fan-art
  • Finding your niche market and flooding it with your work.
  • Get personal

Today I am going to get personal with you guys. This is hard for me to talk about with you online. I also don’t talk about it in real life too, so this is going to be really tough for me. There are a few things I need to disclaim for you guys before I continue.

  1. I am NOT a Doctor or Therapist
  2. I can only speak on behalf of myself and my own experiences
  3. My methods are not for everyone
  4. I am purposely keeping somethings out
  5. Trigger Warnings
    1. Thoughts of Suicide and Self-Harm
    2. Childhood Trauma
    3. Unsafe Thoughts/Actions

Every person on this planet has at least one thing in common: Trauma. And I know one person’s pain is not the same for another person. We all experience things in unique and different ways, so we each process and go through events differently from one another. I am the oldest of three siblings. I am the one that experienced the most. My sperm donor was a monster. At a young age I found myself raising my two other siblings while trying to raise myself. When things would go wrong, I would send my siblings away to a safe place and take the brunt of the rage. I purposely made sure that my siblings didn’t have night terrors from our upbringing.

My only safe place was school. I was the kid that wanted school all year round. Summers were the worst. After the divorce, I thought I could finally be a kid. I thought I was done being a parent. But I was wrong. I became my mother’s crutch. I still had to raise my siblings and myself. On top of that, I had to parent my own mother. And you all know how much just being a teenager sucks. I was raging war with no army and blindfolded and unarmed.

Flash forward to college, I was finally free. It took me a long time to just focus on myself and my life at college. I was finally able to be a kid. So I kind of went balls to the walls. It was a lot of fun and I made lifetime friends and connections. Then I graduated college. I had to move back home. I found myself finding a “stop gap” job to help with the family finances. That was 2016 and I didn’t leave that position until the summer of 2018. I got stuck back into the roll of my childhood. I was the glue that held everything together. I was back being the solider.

In the Summer of 2018 will be forever known as my manic spiral. I needed to be free and to find my place in the world and my career. So I was reckless and agreed to move to Texas with one of my best friends that also needed to get out of her family dynamic. I down sized my whole world into a few plastic tubs and loaded my cat Sammy up and hit the road with my friend and her few backpacks and her rabbit.

At first I was still on my manic high. Life couldn’t have been going smoother and things were starting to look up. But the farther south we got the more paranoid and delusional I became. By the time we hit Austin, TX I was straight up dissociated from the world. Then the panic attacks started happening. At first I pushed through it thinking it is just because I had no plan, very little money, and no safety net. Then I got into a little fender-bender. And I completely snapped. I started to hear things and see things. I was in and out of dissociation. I was having panic attacks every couple of hours. A few time I thought I should have ended it all. I was listening to the paranoia and the negative voices in my head telling me to kill myself. You see, I never thought I would be alive past my sister’s graduation. I made a deal with myself that the only way I would be free was to make sure my siblings were safe, stable, and can stand on their own two feet. Then I could pat myself on the back and call it a good job done and end it all. I truly never envisioned a future for myself. I thought I was only good for one thing, and that was to raise my wonderful, smart, beautiful siblings. That was my deal.

The only thing that saved me was Sammy. He knows when I am having a panic attack and finds a way to bring me back to the present. He knows when I have night terrors and insomnia and curls up to my face and chest and lulls me to sleep with his purr. He is my anchor to this world. And I knew I had to bring him home to my family before I could do anything that can’t be undone. So, I told my best friend good-bye and that I knew that she would find a way to survive it down in Texas and I couldn’t. Sammy and I made it back to Vermont and I could finally let go.

I developed agoraphobia. I couldn’t leave my mom’s apartment for months. My mom brought me to see a psychiatrist that determined if I needed to be sent inpatient. She trusted me and my family to make sure I didn’t harm myself. And she set me on the path to salvation.

I am diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Acute Anxiety, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder. I am on a couple of meds for my depression and insomnia. In September of 2018 I started to see a Therapist that specialized in the trauma that I have been through. And I stuck to it. I had to learn a lot of things about dealing with the past and how it can affect the present. I had to learn to feel my emotions and it is ok to voice my emotions. The hardest thing that I needed to overcome was accepting and valuing my anger. I also found ways outside of therapy and meds to help me grow and manage my mental health. I have been learning the value of meditation. It was super weird at first, but it has helped me focus and calm the storm in my head. And ever since a Planet Fitness opened up in town, I have discovered how my exercise actually has improved my life. My body holds in all of my anxiety and depression. I am completely stiff and like a spring ready to burst at any moment. So, physical activity burned all that energy out of me. I find it hard to actually feel relaxed when I don’t go to the gym or hiking or a long walk. This quarantine has been hard because I haven’t had that place to go to that I could just release the energy. Also, if you haven’t noticed, my art is another outlet. I have been nervous to dive deeper into my therapeutic art style for fear of people not understanding. But I think you all will after reading this, so you might be seeing more darker stuff from me from time to time.

What does the future look like to me now? Endless. Limitless. Hopeful. I have been officially done with therapy for a month now. It is kind of weird for me. Probably why you guys are hearing more and more from me. I need someone to talk to that is outside my immediate family and friends. So thank you. You all mean the world to me. Thank you for giving me a chance. I may be done with therapy for now, but I have a feeling I am going to be going to therapy off and on through out my life. And I totally accept that of myself. I know when I need help there is someone there to help me sort through it all. And I also think that I will be on meds for the rest of my life too. It is just how my head wired. And I accept that part of my life too. My future is just starting, and now I don’t want to miss it.

Why am I telling you all about this? One is kind of selfish and I touched on it earlier. People connect with people that are like them. People want to know who they are on a journey with. I want to show you I am human. I am alive, I have feelings, and I have trauma too. Second, I want to help show people with similar troubles that there is hope. I want to help save someone from the darkness. I want to show you you are not alone. I am here and I can hear you. I don’t want to be someone that seems disconnected from you. I am right here, fighting my fight, growing, and living. Finally, I want you to understand things that I say and the work that I show you. I want you to know a little bit more about me. I am not looking for a pity party or sympathy. The reason I stuck to therapy this time is because my therapist is blunt and rips the ban-aid off and makes you look at the bloody wound. I don’t do hand holding, “it’ll be ok sweetie” bullshit. I am proud of my scars and I am learning everyday how to be a better person. This is my adventure that I am sharing with you because I want to.

All in all, I am alive because of my Sammy. He is still my anchor to this realm. I am living because I got help. I got the tools and skills to build myself up. I have family and friends who love me and support me. I am growing a Crew that is following my grand adventure in search of my artistic dreams. I am freaking going back to school to get my Master’s degree. I have grown so much, but I know I still have growing to do. I am human and I have my own brand of trauma like you. I hope I have answered some unasked questions. And I hope you will be brave enough to ask me other questions. I am glad I am writing this post. I seem to have purged something that was stuck that I didn’t know was stuck. Thank you.

On a lighter note, our last Quarantine Challenge Project is going to be up this Saturday! Sweet Neptune, we have come a long way! I hope you are going to like this one. It is going to be a challenge for sure. Wings are a hit or miss for me. And I am nervous about the transparent aspect. Hopefully I do her some justice! In the mean time, stay safe and stay sane. Remember self-care and find a calming moment each day just to unwind. I’m always around if you need me.

Until Next Time,

Suzanna 🌙❤

Entry 17: The Story that Never gets Old

Hey Crew!

How have you all been? It feels like this week was never going to end for me. The struggles, right? Anyway, things that been looking more and more bleak as the days roll by. To tell you the truth, I am terrified. I’m not scared of COVID-19 or the #BLM movement or anything like that. I am terrified of how little the ones we put in charge are not listening to their citizens and the world. I am terrified of the medical bill that I’ll get if/when I get COVID-19. I’m afraid of passing it on to my family and them being stuck with the same bill. I don’t have $500,000 just burning a hole in my pocket. That is a life time of debt that I can’t afford. Neither can my family or the vast majority of my fellow Americans. It hurts so much to know my government cares more about money and pleasing the 1%, that they are willing to have a mass slaughtering their people. History is repeating itself and the ones that have sworn to protect us are dooming us all by not see it. What are we to do? Peaceful protests are getting through to them with the #BLM movement, facts and statistics aren’t opening their eyes, the rest of the world is screaming at them to do better, and they are turning a blind eye. I don’t know what else to do. All I can do is to try to be a safe and calm place for you guys. Art is a good distraction, so I just have to keep creating in order to not get sick with insanity. I hope change will come soon. That concludes my rant, please continue on to the light-hearted and fun illustration.

Quarantine Challenge Project #13: Redo: Alice

I’m not sure if you guys have noticed, but I love making things about Alice in Wonderland. I have always loved this children’s story ever since I was a little girl. Just being able to fall down a rabbit hole to a land full of interesting characters and sights and the absence of reality. I feel like everyone needs a safe place to check out of reality every once in a while to recharge. I find myself daydreaming of a far off reality to seek positive adventures all the time. Do you guys daydream?

So, this drawing I made quickly at Vermont Comic Con that I went to as a student ambassador for my college’s art department. It was a lot of fun! But this was a very rushed piece, as you can see. And I have been meaning to redo this ever since the Con was over. (HAHAH… See, I have always had too many ideas and not enough time. HAHAHA…)

I knew that I basically had to start over from scratch. Between the lazy composition and the lack of movement, there was no hope for this piece. So, I started the old fashioned way, I sketched out some rough ideas. I have been trying to play with new and different angles for my pieces. It defiantly a challenge to me, ’cause I tend to draw like the ancient Egyptians. I draw side profiles and very little background and very stiff. I don’t mean there isn’t a time and place for that kind of style, but I am trying to grow and improve my skills. I have to get out of my comfort zone every once in a while.

In the end, I came up with this. I hope by now you have realized I hate backgrounds, especially trees. Ugh they are the worst. But luckily, with the rules of perspective, the farther way the object, the less detail there is. Plus, I pushed myself to try to make Cheshire’s tail to be translucent. I think it turned out pretty good for the first time. And by the way, children proportions DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE! The struggle my peeps. I hope you guys realized she is a little kid. Can you guys spot the different items that stand for different characters and stories from the book? Let me know in the comments!

In the process video I was trying new and different ways to film. And like 70% of it I had to cut because my hand was in the way. I totally forgot to film on the opposite side to see what I was drawing. I’m an idjit sometimes. I am still learning this new medium of film making. Influencers and shows and such, make it look so easy and simple. Practice makes perfect, as they say.

That is the end of this story for today. I hope you guys like my new Alice piece. Just know this won’t be the last! By the way, we have only 1 more Quarantine Challenge Project! Sweet Neptune guys, we did it! I hope you all come back for next Saturday’s update to see what kind of magic comes to life this time. Monday we are going to be learning more about your Captain’s head. I hope I can answer some of your questions that I have planted in your head. Anyway, remember to take care of yourself. Stay sane and look towards the future. We can do this. We just have to stand together and be there for each other. Stay safe and stay healthy.

Until Next Time,

Captain Suzanna 🌙🌙

Entry 16: Time to Hit the Books

Cheers to the AAU Class of 2024 ❤

Howdy Crew!

Are you surprised? Is your Captain learning to time manage life better? Who know, ’cause I don’t. HAHAHAHA… Anyways, how are you doing? It might sound like I am a broken record, but I want you know someone out there cares and wants to see you thrive in life. I also ask to remind you to ask yourself that. You have to take care of your mind, body and soul. And I hope you following along in my journey is a stepping stone in your self-care routine. Personally, I have been listening to lectures and watching docu-series on Medieval times. I have no idea why I fell into this rabbit hole, but it has helped me to stay grounded and feel as though I am being productive. It is just the little things that you can do that helps you survive and better yourself. Don’t give up yet. I’ve got your back, always.

Speaking being productive, I have some news to share with you all. As many of you know, I have been struggling on getting a job in my field of choice. I want to be a full time illustrator. The trouble I am having is either jobs are too far away and I am not ready to move yet, or that they don’t think I have enough professional experience in the field. And that is a blow to the ego and mental health. So I started to research graduate school. If no one can take me seriously because on paper I’m not “good enough” to take a risk on, then I am going to have to get another piece of paper that proves I am good enough.

My original plan wasn’t to be going back to school for like another 10 years. But sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you just have to go with it. For this, I am kind of thankful for the pandemic. It has made me slow down and smell the roses, so to speak. I am thankful for the chance to reevaluate my life. I have no idea when I am going to be able to go back to work, or even if my position is going to be held due to the pandemic. I am the low man on the totem pole, so if there is going to be cuts I’m in the firing line. Plus with the threat of the second wave just around the corner and new reports saying that the coming fall and winter there could be even more trouble with the other yearly disease and cold and such. It doesn’t seem like we will be going back to normal anytime soon. Who knows when I’ll be apart of our working society again. Instead of being all doom and gloom, I guess there is no time like the present to go back to school.

Starting in September of 2020, I’ll be officially starting my MFA in Illustration at Academy of Art University in San Francisco, California. Like I said earlier, I am not ready to move out yet, but AAU has a really comprehensive online program that I am excited for. For a Master’s of Fine Arts degree, I have to complete another 4 years of schooling. There is no half-assing for this girl. Plus AAU just seemed to be the best place for someone like me. They are a small privately owned school, so there is more one-on-one opportunity with instructors. Their whole philosophy is to train their students for a successful artistic career. It is like a trade school just for artists. I don’t have to worry about non-degree courses taking up time and space in my schooling. I always excelled at my classes that were in my degree, but something had to give in for me to have any outside life and that was my non-degree classes. Not saying that I threw away money for courses by failing, but I just didn’t try hard and got by. Now I am enrolled in a school that is just art for artists.

If I can pass on a lesson to juniors and seniors of high school is this: if you have no idea what you want to do with your life, go to a school that has many different majors and fields of study and try everything you can to figure yourself out; if you know what you want to do with your life don’t go to a school that has a million and one majors and degrees, it is going to burn you out before you graduate. Please keep researching and find a school that is just for your skills. Like go to AAU if you want to be an artist or go to a school devoted to engineering if you want to go into robotics or go to a medical school to be a nurse or doctor. Reach for the stars. And trust me as a student that is first generation college goer and now graduate school goer, and that comes from low income, single mom with 2 siblings, there is help out there for you. Ask the school’s financial aid office for all the scholarships and grants that they offer and apply, plus ask your high school counselor about all the scholarships and grants that you can qualify for, and search online. Trust me, there is a scholarship out there just for being left handed, you’ll be surprised what you’ll be able to find. If you are going to be going into debt for your schooling, make damn sure you’ll be able to walk away with pride and a clear path for your career. This is YOUR life, don’t settle for anything.

Well, you guys know that I have arguably the worst time management skills. So that is going to be one of my goals for this summer. I need to nail down my daily life. I need to make it predicable. I need to stick with it like super glue. Apparently, planners don’t do anything for me. So, I am going to have to research other strategies for time management and how to organize my life. If you guys have any tips or tricks you use, please let me know. At this point I am willing to try everything. I foresee no sleep, lots of caffeine, and craziness. Help.

You guys are now caught up with my news worthy events. I am super excited to start school this fall. There are going to be some bumps in the road that I am going to have to figure out how to navigate them. Lucky for you, you guys get to come on this adventure and enjoy the chaos that is soon to come. I hope you are prepared for battle well. Please like, share, follow, and subscribe to all of my social media accounts to have the best seats in the house. In the next post, Quarantine Challenge Project #13 is on its way! Just a warning, I am kind of obsessed with this children’s story. Like you have no idea. And you can’t tell me I didn’t warn you!

Until Next Time,

Captain Suzanna🌙

⭐For those of you who want to see more about my new school: https://www.academyart.edu/academics/illustration/ ⭐

Entry 15: What a Process!

Hey Crew!

My oh my, things have not been slowing down, huh? Does anyone else feel as though it has been years instead of just 6 months into this year? ‘Cause I feel like I have lived a lifetime already and I am in another reincarnations lifetime. This is bananas. I know I have no certain return date for work or anything going back to some sort of “normal” any time soon. And everyone is holding their collective breathe for this second wave that is bound to hit us hard. We are in the middle of history repeating itself, but most of the people that are in charge are refusing to see it. And I think that is the scariest part of it all. Please listen up, remember to take care of yourself. Remember unplug for a moment. Remember to not burn yourself out. Please use this time to grow. Use this time to learn something new. Use this time to unlearn something toxic. Use this time to find yourself. Please remember you are not alone, you are loved, and you can grow. I’m going to try my damnest to be that calm oasis for you. I’ve got your back. I promise.

Quarantine Challenge Project #12- Re-do: Dragon

I made this back in September of 2010. 10 years ago. How did I get into art school again? I’m so funny, I know. I am not sure where I was trying to go with this. It kind of looks like a cross between a snake and a bug. And that position of the head…. Like what?? Any sort of improvement will do wonders for it.

I started with some research on dragons. I looked at a bunch of pieces that other artists have made of dragons. I looked at historical and modern interpretations of the mythical creature. And although I saw some wonderful and creative pieces, nothing was sparking interest for me. So I started to look to actual nature. That is when I knew that I was going to hit the jackpot. I came across this Peruvian Dragon snake that was the perfect head, and then I used the body of a Monitor lizard, and the wings of a bat. And it looks a little like this:

I have figured out how to push my work to another level. I am really good at drawing what I can see. But somehow when I try to draw what I see in my mind it turns out to be dumpster fire. So I have found away around it. I create this kind of chimera like image of something that shows me what I truly want to create. The one thing I want to express to just budding artists out there is that you are only as good as your references. That can be anything from books, to life experiences, to internet image searches. And then the next lesson that you need to learn is PRACTICE, PRACTICE, and patience.

After I have a solid drawing, I start the illustration process. And I am exploring markers as a medium. I have subscriptions to Art Snack and SketchBox monthly boxes. Because of these boxes I have been trying lots of new mediums and techniques that I would have never tried otherwise. So far, I have found a new love with alcohol based markers. I’ve been wanting to do a full illustration with markers for a while, but I haven’t had the color range that I would like. So I purchased a ARTEZA EverBlend marker set. I don’t have the funds to get more of the Copic or Tombow markers that I love so much, so I got a good budget friendly brand. I can promise you that these ARTEZA markers are the bee’s knees. I am glad I got them to learn how to really use markers and just play with a new medium.

I am really proud of how this turned out! You can so see how there is a massive jump in skill in 10 years. Sweet Neptune.

And that marks the end of QCP #12. We’ve got only 2 more project left in this series if you can believe it! And this has been an incredible journey. However, this does not mean the end for us! I have a whole bunch of new projects lined up for us. So don’t go anywhere! In the next post, I am going to be talking about what the future is going to be looking like for our life on these Artist Seas. So I suggest to like, follow, comment, and subscribe to never miss a beat. Let’s set sail!

Until Next Time,

Captain Suzanna 🌙

Entry 14: Now is Not the Time to be Silent

Good day Crew!

Now this post is going to be a little different than normal. But I feel like I need to let you know my position on recent events. My stance is very straight forward on the current social and political problems that is facing my home country, I am for the Black Lives Matter movement and the overall political change that my country needs. To be an American is to stand for the good of ALL people, to give the chance to ALL people to better themselves, and to be in the pursuit of happiness for ALL. But for the past 400+ years we haven’t really been for ALL the people of this great country. Throughout our history we have devastated whole cultures and tore people out of their homeland in the pursuit to build up the white power. I understand that we have slowly been trying to write the wrongs of our white ancestors, but for those in power to make those changes it is not in their, or their sponsors, interests to make the humane change that is needed. Racism and power go hand and hand. I could make a whole essay just citing facts about the bullshit that is the white man, but that is for another time. (I am currently working on this, just give me some time to make it bullet proof please and thank you.)

All I want to let you know that I am an ally. I am a safe place. The only thing I have going for me is that fact that I am white, and goddamn it I am going to be using that to the fullest. I am making my mission to give voice to the ignored and unheard. I am dedicating Fridays as #BlackoutFridays. I am going to be posting personal artwork for the Black Lives Matter movement, sharing news of the movement or other achievements by People of Color, and/or promoting a POC creative and all their work. I am not going let my sisters and brothers be forgotten. I hope you will join me in this movement in any way you can. I don’t have much else to offer besides my artwork and my platforms. But if you can donate, protest, and/or reach more people for the change, please help out.

“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.”

Ryunosuke Satoro

We can make the change. We can change history. We have to do it together. If you have any questions please reach out. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll point you in the direction to find the truth. Remember there are some in power that will try to change the narrative negative, DON’T BELIEVE THEM! Remember to fact check, to do research, to talk to people that are in the trenches, and don’t forget to listen. We are all of the human race, so lets level the playing field.

Thank you for listening. The next post is going to be more projects and more fun with art. Please join me on Fridays for #BlackoutFridays and not forget the fallen. Thank you and Blessed Be you and your loved ones.

Until Next Time,

Suzanna 🖤⭐🌙

Entry 13: It is Time to get Digital

How’s it going!?

It is already the end of May! I am not sure how you all are doing, but to me it seem like the days are blurring together. Like going to sleep is just like a long nap at this point. And don’t get me started on this heat/humid wave that we have spent a week in. Ugh I feel like I’m melting. Enough with my self imposed pity party, how are you? Have you been remembering to take care of your self? A lot of horrific events have transpired recently and I know that that is having some sort of effect on everyone. I wish I could do more to help. My sister and I have been trying to come up with ways we can help, even from Vermont. I will definitely keep you all informed when we figure out what we can do. But just keep #BlackLivesMatter in the public face. You have allies here in the Green Mountain State.

Alright! Time to get into some art!

So, my idjit of a self, forgot that I should have downloaded a screen capture software to be able to show you my digital work. But I only remembered that fact when I was almost done with my pieces. The struggle bus just wants to make me part of the pavement it seems. I was able to get my hands on a pretty inexpensive drawing tablet and I wanted to challenge myself. It was really hard in the beginning and I just wanted to quit and illustrate it with my watercolors and markers. But I didn’t give in to that negative voice in my head! I didn’t because I remembered that I am trying to be OK with my failures and to share them even if they should never see the light of day. Regardless, I was pretty impressed with my self.

Quarantine Challenge Project # 11: Re-do Angel

For this project I took a super old piece of mine and re-did it. Like I made this piece like in my freshman year of high school. (I am so old, I know.)

First off, what are proportions? And those wings!? I remember being so proud of this piece. How did I get into art school? Anyway, I started out finding a WAY better composition. Then I researched birds and their wings. I ended up loving Eagle Owl wings! (For information on Eagle Owls: https://www.owlpages.com/owls/species.php?s=1240 )

Once that was all settled, I started out in Photoshop. I used to love painting in PS, but I can tell you that I had a lot of trouble getting it to look like how I wanted it. Like I know how to properly blend colors and give more definition to things with traditional material, but I was having the hardest time in PS. But I pressed on, because I know Rome wasn’t built in a night.



I could not, for the life of me, figure out what I should do with the background. But as you can see, the difference is astounding! I have definitely grown so much. But I didn’t think I could call this done. I decided to push the envelope. To be exact, I took things into Illustrator.

I think I found a new medium that I can learn to love. It was really hard to stick with a more flat, vector looking coloring. But I think it looks 100% better then the painterly look that I got in PS. I also know I need practice with fabric. But I still count this as a win! I still couldn’t decide on what to do with the background. HAHAHAH…

Which version do you like better? You can vote on the pieces on my Insta. Link down at the end of this post.

Welp, that is all I got for this post. Thank you for joining me on this journey! I promise more content again soon. But in the mean time check out my socials! You never know what you are going to find!

Until next time,

Captain Suzanna ⭐

Entry 12: Finding the Strength Within

Howdy Crew!

Before we begin I just want to touch base with everyone. How are you doing? Have you been keeping in touch with loved ones? Have you been making sure you take care of your mind, body, and spirit? Have you practiced any self-love activities today? If your answers are all in the positive range, please keep up the good work. Also please check in with your loved ones that you know are struggling. If your answers are in the negative range, please take a moment do 1 simple act of kindness for yourself. I’ll be here when you get back, so no worries. Your well being is as important as anyone’s. #Alonetogether #selflove

Quarantine Challenge Project #10: Deity – Inner Goddess

Another day, another project. This one is a little bit different than all the others. This came to me in a dream. The other night I was having a really grotesque nightmare. I don’t remember what it was about, and quite frankly I don’t want to remember. All I know it was not something you would want your worst enemy to envision. Nightmares are not a new thing for me. They can range from varying horrors, such as regular getting lost in the woods to butchering random people. My nightmares get dark, violent, and unnatural.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to understand where my work comes from. When I tap into my raw mental state, things get scary. I don’t always let people see my raw emotions that I lay out on paper, but I am slowly learning that it is ok. Maybe someone seeing my work feels some sort of connection and realize that they are not as alone as they think. I know I needed that when I was growing up.

However, the dream I had the other night started out as a nightmare but then grew into a calm dreamless sleep. I couldn’t figure out how that happened when I first woke up. So after letting the pup out and then stumbling back into bed, I had a more vivid dream about what happened. I saw my demon trying to drag me back into the darkness, and then a light came from my center. It was this warrior Goddess that was so calm and peaceful and made me feel warm and safe. She cut the hold that the demon had over me and swept me up in her light. I knew she was telling me what had happened earlier in the night, because I felt that same peaceful, dreamless calm. I could not get it out of my head. So I knew I had to bring my vision in to the realm of reality.

Phase 1 (Before Photoshop)

Which leads us to this next piece. I know there looks to be no real uniform to the piece. That was the intention. I also know that the armor and the clothing of my Goddess looks to be from a bunch of different warrior cultures. I see bits of Norse, samurai, Roman, and medieval pieces mixed in. I have no idea what it all means. It part of the reason I can’t pin down who my Goddess is supposed to be. Is she even a mythical, ancient deity or is she my inner self? I am still trying to unpack it all for myself. When I figure it all out I’ll make sure to tell you guys as well.

Here is the process 😎

After finishing it in the with my usual medium I decided to add some more “pazzaz” with some Photoshop edits. Geezz, that took way too long for my taste. The struggle of going AWOL for a long time and then jumping back on the horse is way worse than I thought it was going to be. The struggle bus loves to run me over when I least expect it.

I can’t choose!

And then I could not choose which version I liked better to become the final product. So I left it up to my followers on my IG. In the end the people wanted the one with the black effect. But I am still unsure. What do you guys think?

That my friends concludes this tale. I have 4 more Quarantine Challenges left! (And who knows how long I’ll be out of work due to COVID-19.😭) I actually have a few more project ideas in the works as well. I promise I am not making a mountain out of a mole hill. Pinky-promise! I am also going to be updating my website with new stuff! I also have some personal entries being planned to update you on my future goals and adventures. So join my Crew on all my platforms to keep in the loop!

Until next time,

Captain Suzanna ⭐

Entry 11: F is for Failure, and that is OK.

Hey Crew!

How has everyone been doing since the last time we spoke? I have a feeling some of you have started to go back to work and some of you are in limbo with the state of things. I just want to remind you that you are not alone. Please reach out to friends, family, or even me if you are feeling lost or just need a reminder that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will do my best to keep giving you something to look forward to and something to lighten your spirits. I am still working on getting some sort of schedule going, but you know me, I loose track of time and my head very easily. But I will always be around. We’ve got this!

Let’s just jump into this project that I have been working on.

Just to recap, during this pandemic I have been forcing myself to work on personal challenges. As of this post I have done 8 out of the 14 original challenges. I have also been doing other little projects here and there, but that is besides the point. Recently, I have started to film my process and my work flow. It has definitely added another level to my career as well as a HUGE learning curve with film making. (Just out of curiosity, if anyone else is a film editor, what programs would you recommend? I am finding it incredibly difficult to work with the basic program that I have. Maybe I need more practice, but I feel as though there is an easier way.)

With this latest project I tackled the Night/Day challenge. At first I had an idea to do like a butterfly for day and a moth for night and try to cleaver with symbolism. During my research phase, I could not for the life of me figure out which 2 I would choose. The more I learned about the different types of butterflies and moths the more I was hitting a brick wall. But I pushed through and chose a monarch butterfly and a luna moth. I wanted to freshen up with my digital art skills and try to make a cool vector piece. But I ran into some terrible luck and found out my drawing tablet kicked the bucket. So it became 100x harder. Since I am a lefty it is incredibly hard to draw with a mouse. Things were just not working out for me. I was trying to use a lot of pre-programmed effects and sketching tools to try to make it work. It was a nightmare. And I failed.

There are just problems with the composition, the pattern, colors and the visual feeling of it. I worked on this for 2 solid days to get this mess. And instead of throwing in the towel and crawling under a rock, like I would have done, I embraced it. It sounds a lot easier than it is. I am my own worse critic. I know how to tear my self apart and make myself lose faith. There is a lot of things to unpack there, but this is not the time. (Maybe in another post, if people want it.) I had to come up with a new idea. To push past this failure. I need to learn from it.

I went Back to my Roots.

I came up with some sketches and found some really good reference photos and got to work.

Thumbnail sketches for the new idea

I was still going to add in the butterfly and moth idea come Hell or high water. So I got to thinking about Mother Earth and day and night and flowers. I was trying to play with the opposites. Like the monarch butterfly is the most well know butterfly (at least in North America) and the luna moth is the most well know moth. Then I knew I had to add a sunflower for day, cause why not? And I had to do some research on flowers that bloom at night and the moonflower was perfect. I am not sure many people know about this flower, (I know I had no clue) so here are some basic facts:

Moonflowers can add their incredible beauty and powerful fragrance to a night garden. Moonflower plants have large, beautiful, heart-shaped leaves growing on huge, robust vines that need a large trellis to support them. The iridescent white, trumpet-shaped flowers are around 6 inches long and 3 to 6 inches wide. These spectacular flowers unfurl from cone-shaped buds as the sun goes down and on some cloudy days. Moonflower plants are perfect to grow in an outdoor eating area or near a bedroom window, where their fragrance can sweeten the night air.

https://www.thespruce.com/growing-moon-flower-in-containers-4125231

Once I got my reference photos and some background information, I was ready to take the plunge. At first things went smoothly. And then my brain decided to think we knew how to make it look like stain-glass. And things went side-ways.

Should have stopped here

So as you can see from this video, things were great. I felt like it really came together and it was 100x better than the digital trial.

It was so pretty!

The Mistake

I was having a hard time with my camera and it missed whole sections of work and I was tired and just wanted to get it done in one sitting. And in the fog of crazy I thought I knew how to make it look like a freaking stain-glass piece. Like I told myself that I just need to cut it up and add some sort of boarder around the pieces and BAM it is done! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH….. Pfft, I had NO idea what I was doing.

Mistakes were made

This is the reason I should go to bed early. My brain steered me wrong. And then I tried to save it. It was ok.

All the tears

The point I am trying to make is that I failed and that was ok.

I am not going to be able to smash all the levels at the same time. I have to do some grinding and practice my craft. Even though I have a degree and I have had some success, I still need to be humbled. If I didn’t fail, what would the point be? Nothing in life is just handed to you. (And no I am not getting into a class debate. Save that for another creator, thank you.) You have to learn to love your mistakes as well. You have to learn to accept and move forward. Trust me, it has taken me years to get to this point. I know it is so hard to see all the perfect influencers or friends/family/peers or just random people out there on the web or in real life. I 1000% get the struggle of trying to see yourself mixed in with those people. It is disheartening and a real obstacle for people to over come. I couldn’t compare with them in my mind. But I am here to tell you that I am like you and I make mistakes. I promise to become that person that is real. That shows the ups and downs. And not to sugar coat it. I want to be that person that make you feel welcomed and to know you are not alone. I know I need that kind of role model and peer to know that I am here and I do belong. Because we do belong, no matter what.

So please join me and my adeventures. Let’s start this movement. Let’s start saying Failure is ok too. #FailureisOK2

Until next time,

Suzanna ❤

Entry 10: Welp, the world is in chaos; what to do with the time?

Howdy Crew!

It has been a minute since your old Captain has given any sort of sign of life. A lot has happened in the time that I haven’t been around and I don’t even know where to start. Forgive your Captain for her lack of organization and forgetfulness. I am going to prove that this old sea dog is here to stay and I’m going to be making a difference.

In other news, how are you all doing? At this point in time the world seems a little chaotic. No matter where you are in the world or what you do for a living, I want to say I hope you are safe and staying healthy. And to all the essential workers out there, you are the true heroes. I have lots of love and respect for you and the hell you are going through. I hope if you are exploring my site to have a moment of calm in this storm that it gives you a smile and a well deserved distraction. Thank you.

I am still trying to figure out how to explain my unexpected hiatus. I am going to make a post dedicated solely to my absence, but I just really wanted to get back into the swing of things. If you have any questions for me, please ask. I am hoping to be able to get everything out in the next few days. //Crosses figures and toes.// Plus I have been working on tons of new content and ideas, so don’t go anywhere!

Quarantine Challenge

So if you have been following me on my IG you know I have made myself a Quarantine Challenge project. I have been trying to force myself to not come out of this lock-down without something to show for it. I am getting better at being consistent and not being afraid of failure. But I have always wanted to film my artistic process. I don’t have quite enough confidence to voice over let alone be on camera. But this is a start. I defiantly have come a long way with my mental health and self esteem. Baby steps, right? So without further ado, Quarantine Challenge Project #7: Demon.

You might be wondering, why Cerberus? What does the Greek Mythology that anything to do with demons? First off, we are not talking about the three headed Guardian of the Underworld. I collect and research and obsess over a wide range of stuff. Everything thing from Hello Kitty to the occult. My sister once told me that my room looks like there are multiple people living in one space. So, I have a tarot deck for different demons made by a demonologist. Don’t freak out, the deck isn’t for summoning demons. I’m not skilled enough to work with any sort of negative energy. (If you would like to know more about my crazy obsessions or my belief system just message me; if it is in popular demand I’ll make sure to include it all in a future post.) Anyway, I pulled Cerberus out of the deck.

And then the research started. So the demonology book that came with the deck didn’t offer me as much of an insight into who, what, when, where, how and why. So a quick Google search with some keywords lead me to Donate’s Divine Comedy. In the 3rd circle of Hell Dante meets the guardian of those who are gluttonous. Dante says that the beast looks like the 3 headed hound, like that of the Greek Mythology. Hence why people get confused on what it looks like. But if you read more in the “Infernal Dictionary” by Jacques Auguste Simon Collin De Plancy, (what a mouthful, geezz) the demonologist, he describes Cerberus a little different. Jacques say that demon has the body of a raven and 3 different heads of dogs. He also says that Cerberus is one of the kinder demons that would rather teach you about grace and staying in your lane rather than torture you. But even other demonologist say that Cerberus, when summoned, will show up with the body of a man and a head of a raven. I kind of Frankenstein the lore together to give you my version of Cerberus.

These first 3 images is of my research and my rough sketches. I mixed what Dante and Jacques say about the lore. I gave Cerberus the body of a raven and the 3 hound heads, because it is totally bizarre and way out there and I thought this is what kind of chaos Hell would give to your brain. Think about it, under great torture and just what ever kind of Hell you can picture it will defiantly make you loose all sense of sense. Like you could be hearing colors and tasting sounds. So you are trying to figure out what this creature looks like so you can wrap your broken mind around it to make any sort of sense. Then I decided to take the 3rd Circle of Hell: Gluttony from Dante to give it some sort of “home”. Mud and filth and excrement just swallowing the damned and the constant rain of nasty, just sounded like so much fun. Not really though. I also decided to include some sort of demonic army from the demonologist. It just felt right to me.

I like I might have unconsciously made the hounds look like my sister’s pup. Whoops.



For the Final piece, I have been really into blocking out large areas with watercolor and making the finer details with markers and ink. I think it turned out really well. I forgot to tell you about the flag! So through my research scholars have deemed this the symbol of Cerberus, and I just had to include it somewhere. What do you think of how it turned out?

“Demon” watercolor, ink, markers

Like I said earlier, I’ve always wanted to film my work. I have always been to nervous and shy about my work being out there in the universe that I never thought that I had the skill to do so. But I have a “take no prisoners” attitude right now and just dived right in. Hell, I even made a YouTube Channel for my work. I am slowly teaching myself how to film and edit. It is definitely a learning curve that I am so pumped for. I have more Quarantine Challenge Projects in the works and new opportunities for more videos. So buckle up kiddos we are going on an adventure!

All and all, I am excited for this new Chapter in life. I am so glad you are all going on this journey with me. “The more the merrier,” they always say. At the end of this post there are my Social Media links. Please make sure to follow me to stay up to date. Thanks a bunch! I’m so ready for all of this, are you?

Until next time,

Captain Suzanna

Entry 9: Pirates Can Be Charitable Too

As your Captain, it is my job to be a positive role model for my Crew. I believe that giving back to your fellow humans is a basic necessity for living your best life. That being said, if you find yourself feeling dull and like a blob about the ship, I encourage you to go out and help others when we make land. I can guarantee you will have a new out look on your life and gain new companions alone the way. Just cause were are out traveling the world doesn’t mean we don’t have time to smell the roses.

“We make a living by what we get… but we make a life by what we give.”

~ Winston Churchill

Lately I have been up to some things that might be a bit off topic in a way. I want to share to you all what I have been doing. Earlier this month, I walked into this local Art School to see if they needed any volunteers. I really didn’t go in there with any plans. I just wanted something to get me involved with my local art community and to make connections with other local artists. However, I got more then I thought I would ever get. After telling the directors of the school about me and my education and that I am willing to what ever they want and need to help out with the school, it was like a light bulb turned on above their heads. Being without a job (for now) really opened me up to any time they needed me. They first had me helping with a sketchbook making class. Even though this was just one class every week for the month of June, I finally felt like I was getting connected to people. I was helping and teaching and just talking about art. I felt in my element. I was creating again. It has been such in inspiration for me. I finally feel like me again. Plus they have more projects for me to help with, events they need people to help run, building a solid volunteering program with them. I just have stepped into a place that can open so many doors for me. I can’t describe my euphoria that has just been buzzing around me this month. It is a total WOW moment .

Earlier this week one of the directors came to me asking if I could help with a mural project they are doing for the town. I told them that I was game to help and just to let me know where and when to be there to do what ever they need me. So on Friday, June 21, 2019, I went to the site and was ready to go. However, it was a big block party for the town, with DJs and games and crafts. And it was in an 80s theme. It was awesome. Kids came up to the mural board and just went ham with painting. It was amazing! I still have paint on my hands, legs, and arms. It was a good day.

I have some pictures to show you guys how it progressed. We ended up having to scrap some of the paint off because it was super thick and not going to dry well. But because of that we brought out other layers of the paint to show more of the process.

“It is not about how much we are give, but how much love we put into giving.”

~Mother Teresa

Final thoughts from your Captain: Alright Crew, I want to make one thing clear, giving back to others isn’t something you should do because you need it for some sort of credit or bragging rights. I want you to go make a difference that you want to make a difference it. Do something that gives you passion and meaning. Do it for the sake of helping others. Even if it is something as simple as helping out in a soup kitchen or donating to your local Food Bank. Give back to your people and don’t expect anything in return. Don’t just do it for tax credits or to one up your annoying neighbor. Do it for the love for your fellow human. Do it for the future of our World.

Your Captain,

Suzanna

“I have found that among it’s other benefits, charity liberates the soul of the givers.”

~Maya Angelou

Find out where your Captain has traveled to: