Hello Crew!
How is everyone doing? I know some of you are in this heat wave that I am in, and I hate it. I just want a storm to pass through to break it! I truly feel bad for anyone that doesn’t have A/C. Hopefully the weather breaks soon. I know more and more people are falling in line to get on with life as it was before COVID-19, but please know it hasn’t actually disappeared. I know masks are just the worst and are pointless in the long run, but wear it for the placebo effect. It create a sense of “doing your part to fight the enemy”. Some times you just need a kiss to make it better. Don’t think that things are going to go back to “normal” any time soon or probably never. Find a way to make peace with it. Life is like a river, sometimes when bad weather hits flooding starts and the river erodes the banks and when the worst is over the river has changed. Don’t be the stubborn banks and think things will always be the same after the storm. Be like the water in the river and just go with the flow. For some reason I am liking metaphors recently. Some time I get way too philosophical. But you chose me as your Captain, so I’m sorry, not sorry.
A Non-Art Related Topic
I have been recently studying how other artists and creatives gather so many people to their work. There are several ways that they can achieve their success and I have come up with a list:
- Have your art on many different platforms that fit your goals.
- Fan-art
- Finding your niche market and flooding it with your work.
- Get personal
Today I am going to get personal with you guys. This is hard for me to talk about with you online. I also don’t talk about it in real life too, so this is going to be really tough for me. There are a few things I need to disclaim for you guys before I continue.
- I am NOT a Doctor or Therapist
- I can only speak on behalf of myself and my own experiences
- My methods are not for everyone
- I am purposely keeping somethings out
- Trigger Warnings
- Thoughts of Suicide and Self-Harm
- Childhood Trauma
- Unsafe Thoughts/Actions
Every person on this planet has at least one thing in common: Trauma. And I know one person’s pain is not the same for another person. We all experience things in unique and different ways, so we each process and go through events differently from one another. I am the oldest of three siblings. I am the one that experienced the most. My sperm donor was a monster. At a young age I found myself raising my two other siblings while trying to raise myself. When things would go wrong, I would send my siblings away to a safe place and take the brunt of the rage. I purposely made sure that my siblings didn’t have night terrors from our upbringing.
My only safe place was school. I was the kid that wanted school all year round. Summers were the worst. After the divorce, I thought I could finally be a kid. I thought I was done being a parent. But I was wrong. I became my mother’s crutch. I still had to raise my siblings and myself. On top of that, I had to parent my own mother. And you all know how much just being a teenager sucks. I was raging war with no army and blindfolded and unarmed.
Flash forward to college, I was finally free. It took me a long time to just focus on myself and my life at college. I was finally able to be a kid. So I kind of went balls to the walls. It was a lot of fun and I made lifetime friends and connections. Then I graduated college. I had to move back home. I found myself finding a “stop gap” job to help with the family finances. That was 2016 and I didn’t leave that position until the summer of 2018. I got stuck back into the roll of my childhood. I was the glue that held everything together. I was back being the solider.
In the Summer of 2018 will be forever known as my manic spiral. I needed to be free and to find my place in the world and my career. So I was reckless and agreed to move to Texas with one of my best friends that also needed to get out of her family dynamic. I down sized my whole world into a few plastic tubs and loaded my cat Sammy up and hit the road with my friend and her few backpacks and her rabbit.
At first I was still on my manic high. Life couldn’t have been going smoother and things were starting to look up. But the farther south we got the more paranoid and delusional I became. By the time we hit Austin, TX I was straight up dissociated from the world. Then the panic attacks started happening. At first I pushed through it thinking it is just because I had no plan, very little money, and no safety net. Then I got into a little fender-bender. And I completely snapped. I started to hear things and see things. I was in and out of dissociation. I was having panic attacks every couple of hours. A few time I thought I should have ended it all. I was listening to the paranoia and the negative voices in my head telling me to kill myself. You see, I never thought I would be alive past my sister’s graduation. I made a deal with myself that the only way I would be free was to make sure my siblings were safe, stable, and can stand on their own two feet. Then I could pat myself on the back and call it a good job done and end it all. I truly never envisioned a future for myself. I thought I was only good for one thing, and that was to raise my wonderful, smart, beautiful siblings. That was my deal.
The only thing that saved me was Sammy. He knows when I am having a panic attack and finds a way to bring me back to the present. He knows when I have night terrors and insomnia and curls up to my face and chest and lulls me to sleep with his purr. He is my anchor to this world. And I knew I had to bring him home to my family before I could do anything that can’t be undone. So, I told my best friend good-bye and that I knew that she would find a way to survive it down in Texas and I couldn’t. Sammy and I made it back to Vermont and I could finally let go.
I developed agoraphobia. I couldn’t leave my mom’s apartment for months. My mom brought me to see a psychiatrist that determined if I needed to be sent inpatient. She trusted me and my family to make sure I didn’t harm myself. And she set me on the path to salvation.
I am diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Acute Anxiety, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder. I am on a couple of meds for my depression and insomnia. In September of 2018 I started to see a Therapist that specialized in the trauma that I have been through. And I stuck to it. I had to learn a lot of things about dealing with the past and how it can affect the present. I had to learn to feel my emotions and it is ok to voice my emotions. The hardest thing that I needed to overcome was accepting and valuing my anger. I also found ways outside of therapy and meds to help me grow and manage my mental health. I have been learning the value of meditation. It was super weird at first, but it has helped me focus and calm the storm in my head. And ever since a Planet Fitness opened up in town, I have discovered how my exercise actually has improved my life. My body holds in all of my anxiety and depression. I am completely stiff and like a spring ready to burst at any moment. So, physical activity burned all that energy out of me. I find it hard to actually feel relaxed when I don’t go to the gym or hiking or a long walk. This quarantine has been hard because I haven’t had that place to go to that I could just release the energy. Also, if you haven’t noticed, my art is another outlet. I have been nervous to dive deeper into my therapeutic art style for fear of people not understanding. But I think you all will after reading this, so you might be seeing more darker stuff from me from time to time.
What does the future look like to me now? Endless. Limitless. Hopeful. I have been officially done with therapy for a month now. It is kind of weird for me. Probably why you guys are hearing more and more from me. I need someone to talk to that is outside my immediate family and friends. So thank you. You all mean the world to me. Thank you for giving me a chance. I may be done with therapy for now, but I have a feeling I am going to be going to therapy off and on through out my life. And I totally accept that of myself. I know when I need help there is someone there to help me sort through it all. And I also think that I will be on meds for the rest of my life too. It is just how my head wired. And I accept that part of my life too. My future is just starting, and now I don’t want to miss it.
Why am I telling you all about this? One is kind of selfish and I touched on it earlier. People connect with people that are like them. People want to know who they are on a journey with. I want to show you I am human. I am alive, I have feelings, and I have trauma too. Second, I want to help show people with similar troubles that there is hope. I want to help save someone from the darkness. I want to show you you are not alone. I am here and I can hear you. I don’t want to be someone that seems disconnected from you. I am right here, fighting my fight, growing, and living. Finally, I want you to understand things that I say and the work that I show you. I want you to know a little bit more about me. I am not looking for a pity party or sympathy. The reason I stuck to therapy this time is because my therapist is blunt and rips the ban-aid off and makes you look at the bloody wound. I don’t do hand holding, “it’ll be ok sweetie” bullshit. I am proud of my scars and I am learning everyday how to be a better person. This is my adventure that I am sharing with you because I want to.
All in all, I am alive because of my Sammy. He is still my anchor to this realm. I am living because I got help. I got the tools and skills to build myself up. I have family and friends who love me and support me. I am growing a Crew that is following my grand adventure in search of my artistic dreams. I am freaking going back to school to get my Master’s degree. I have grown so much, but I know I still have growing to do. I am human and I have my own brand of trauma like you. I hope I have answered some unasked questions. And I hope you will be brave enough to ask me other questions. I am glad I am writing this post. I seem to have purged something that was stuck that I didn’t know was stuck. Thank you.
On a lighter note, our last Quarantine Challenge Project is going to be up this Saturday! Sweet Neptune, we have come a long way! I hope you are going to like this one. It is going to be a challenge for sure. Wings are a hit or miss for me. And I am nervous about the transparent aspect. Hopefully I do her some justice! In the mean time, stay safe and stay sane. Remember self-care and find a calming moment each day just to unwind. I’m always around if you need me.
Until Next Time,
Suzanna 🌙❤
S.E. Illustrator 